One of those days I am not so tough.

Today was one of those days I was not so tough. These days seem to be Sundays more and more. Josh will not go to Primary without me. I have forced him to take baby steps. He isn't allowed on my lap and I try to have a chair in between us at least for some of the time.

The poor teacher was supposed to be released 3 months ago and she has not had a second teacher to help her since at least April. She takes care of the other kids while I wrangle Josh. I wish I could say, I will sit next to him but I am going to ignore him in the hopes that you guys will take over and get him to understand that you are here for him, not me. Yeah, not going to happen.

Josh will go with other people that he knows. Chantelle has been with him and Melissa has come before too. Josh is just fine. He just won't go without someone he trusts. I understand. He seems to know that without us he is a fish out of water. No one understands what he wants or what he is doing. I think that they could understand if they took the time to really know him. Not that it is their fault because it isn't.

Anyway, Josh wiggled through Primary. He did sing which is good, he normally doesn't. But his singing got stares from all 3 of the substitute teachers as well as most of the kids. *Sigh* I know the Primary Presidency keeps telling me no one is judging me but it can be a hard feeling to shake.

Josh normally goes to class without me. The smaller room with fewer children makes it easier for him to concentrate. The teacher works more with the class as well (if the kids are wiggly she can tweek her lesson so they can move around, etc). But not today. He stood on one side of the classroom door, screaming his lungs out while he shook the doorknob. I stood on the other side of the door crying. Parents in the hall would stop and say things like, "Is it his first time going alone?" or, "It wouldn't hurt if you just went in and let him sit on your lap." I wanted to scream, "BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 7 MONTHS!!" We aren't visitors. I can't have him take a step back because we have barely taken a step forward.

So I cried until the teacher gave up and opened the door. Then I found the Primary Presidency and told them I need them to find Josh a "helper". Someone who will take him to Primary and sometimes to class. Someone who understands what he wants and has the time to be patient, time to take him to time out when he gets too disruptive, without worrying about the rest of the kids.

They seemed to understand that I have done my best but when I am breaking down almost every week it is getting to be too much for me. They did say some things that made me feel frustrated and flustered but I was already crying so I imagine that even if I was speaking to myself I would be mildly hurt by the words. But they are going to do their best to get Josh a helper.

I don't know what is going to happen but something has to change. I have done all I can. Hopefully within the next month or two going to church will be fun again.

Cabins!!

I love our cabin. My sister once wrote an essay about them, she said that the air smelled like freedom. I always think of that as we make our way into the canyon. As we get closer the air changes. It isn't just the pine trees or the lake or the wild mint....it is freedom. Freedom from cares, phones, staring strangers. Freedom from make up, from feeling self conscious, from being ruled by the clock. This year was no different.

I am so happy to have my family. I can imagine some people going nuts at our cabin. There is only one bedroom, a largeish open family room/dining room/front room, two bathrooms and a loft. Getting away from each other is impossible. I love that there are no electronics to get in the way of us enjoying each other. In the last week I read 4 books, played countless games, went on some breath taking walks/hikes, caught one snake, and ate without worrying about calories.

I loved every moment and I am tempted to give everyone a play by play but since you would all stop reading here are the most important parts:

Best book read: Hunger Games. Seriously couldn't put it down or stop thinking about it. I am still thinking about it. Basic idea, 24 kids from ages 12-18 are put into a huge arena to fight to the death. Only one can live. Whole country forced to watch and treat it like a holiday. Characters you love and situations you can't get to leave your mind. Loved it, can't wait to read more from this author.

Most Ironic Photo:

This is the spot we like to call the "Litter bowl" or the Dump. One of my uncles has used it for his own personal dumping spot for ages (he is now 92 so it has been some time). We go to remind ourselves of what could happen and how beauty can be changed into sadness if we just dump our stuff anywhere. Sure enough the top layer was new this year and right on the edge of the bowl was a book: American Dreams.

Favorite moment: We were walking home from the dump when it started to rain. The sun was shining brightly, the air was warm and the rain... I can't remember the last time I just experienced rain. Felt it hit my skin and roll down. Allowed myself to fully live the rain without worrying about my make up or hair or Josh (he doesn't like to play in rain yet but he was @ the cabin with my mom). As I smelled and felt and tasted the rain, I watched as Paxton went bounding through the grass toward the cabin. The grass was as high as his hips, the sun glinted off the rain so he was just a shadow, rain so thick you could barely make out scenery behind him. Suddenly he was going down, his feet flew over him and then he was gone, all that was left was grass, rain and his laughter.

Best Game: I taught Trevor, Christina and Paxton how to play ERS. SO MUCH FUN!

I hope they will keep playing and love this game as much as I do.

I don't know what category this would go under but it was so cute I have tell you. I went into the bedroom for my book when I heard something. Someone was singing in the shower. I could hear Paxton's voice above the water,

"I love the mountains

I love the rolling hills
I love the flowers
I love the daffodils
I love the fireside
When all the lights are low
Boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee a da..."

I couldn't agree more Paxton.

Freedom Riders!

Freedom Riders is a program for children with disabilities to ride horses. I have been trying to get Josh a place in it for a year. The problem is that once a kid is in he is in until he either turns 18, moves away or passes away. Most of the kids right now are between 7 and 13. So I was going to have to wait at least a few years. Chantelle, Jeremy and Christina all volunteer for them.

If you know Chantelle, you know she has the knack for knowing just the right time for everything. If I am having a bad day (even when no one knows) Chantelle calls. If I am trying solve a transportation problem, Chantelle shows up. And now she came through again.

Patty (woman in charge) says that she had just decided to give up on this boy who was supposed to be coming. He had not shown up all summer and none of her calls had been returned. Patty had just decided that she would replace him next year when Chantelle asked yet again about Josh joining. So Josh got in.

So how do I get there you might ask? I don't have a car. No, but Chantelle comes through again. She and Jeremy go separately. She brings me and Josh and then allows us to drive her car home. She is pretty much the best. I love her.

So today was Josh's first day. I was nervous. He had to get on a huge animal without me. He was not sure about it at first. They had to pry his arms from around Chantelle to get him on the saddle. He cried at first but as soon as they began walking he smiled. He was so proud of himself. He held the reigns, he waved, he threw the bean bags when told. Half an hour has never passed so fast.

I have a million things to say about Freedom Riders so I am sure I will write more another time. This is going to be such a good thing for Josh's independence. Thanks Chantelle.