One of those days I am not so tough.

Today was one of those days I was not so tough. These days seem to be Sundays more and more. Josh will not go to Primary without me. I have forced him to take baby steps. He isn't allowed on my lap and I try to have a chair in between us at least for some of the time.

The poor teacher was supposed to be released 3 months ago and she has not had a second teacher to help her since at least April. She takes care of the other kids while I wrangle Josh. I wish I could say, I will sit next to him but I am going to ignore him in the hopes that you guys will take over and get him to understand that you are here for him, not me. Yeah, not going to happen.

Josh will go with other people that he knows. Chantelle has been with him and Melissa has come before too. Josh is just fine. He just won't go without someone he trusts. I understand. He seems to know that without us he is a fish out of water. No one understands what he wants or what he is doing. I think that they could understand if they took the time to really know him. Not that it is their fault because it isn't.

Anyway, Josh wiggled through Primary. He did sing which is good, he normally doesn't. But his singing got stares from all 3 of the substitute teachers as well as most of the kids. *Sigh* I know the Primary Presidency keeps telling me no one is judging me but it can be a hard feeling to shake.

Josh normally goes to class without me. The smaller room with fewer children makes it easier for him to concentrate. The teacher works more with the class as well (if the kids are wiggly she can tweek her lesson so they can move around, etc). But not today. He stood on one side of the classroom door, screaming his lungs out while he shook the doorknob. I stood on the other side of the door crying. Parents in the hall would stop and say things like, "Is it his first time going alone?" or, "It wouldn't hurt if you just went in and let him sit on your lap." I wanted to scream, "BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 7 MONTHS!!" We aren't visitors. I can't have him take a step back because we have barely taken a step forward.

So I cried until the teacher gave up and opened the door. Then I found the Primary Presidency and told them I need them to find Josh a "helper". Someone who will take him to Primary and sometimes to class. Someone who understands what he wants and has the time to be patient, time to take him to time out when he gets too disruptive, without worrying about the rest of the kids.

They seemed to understand that I have done my best but when I am breaking down almost every week it is getting to be too much for me. They did say some things that made me feel frustrated and flustered but I was already crying so I imagine that even if I was speaking to myself I would be mildly hurt by the words. But they are going to do their best to get Josh a helper.

I don't know what is going to happen but something has to change. I have done all I can. Hopefully within the next month or two going to church will be fun again.