The "R word"

Most of my life I have used the term "retarded" when speaking to my friends and family discussing something/someone I feel is stupid. I have never thought twice about it. Even after Josh was born I said it, the way I felt was that I didn't actually feel that the word "retarded" referred to my son. MY son is smart. MY son is amazing. How could a word like that refer to my son? I have heard other mother's pleas and seen public service announcements (that one is really good), but it never changed me, my habit was too strong. Then last year, almost exactly a year ago, my son had some cognitive testing done. He was diagnosed with "mild mental retardation", a term that will be changed to the much preferred "mild intellectual disability" in the new DSM. I was crushed. Then one day, about one month after I learned of his diagnosis, I was making dinner. My hands were dirty and since the sun was going down I didn't have enough light. Josh was standing behind me so I asked him to turn on the light (something that he has done for years of his own accord). He walked a little ways away and looked around. "Josh! The light switch is on the wall right next to you. Turn on the light, please." Now he turns in a slow circle alternating between looking at the floor and ceiling. "The wall, Josh. The wall! You know what a wall is. The light switch is on the wall. You know how you turn on lights?" Again he looks and this time at a wall. The wrong wall, but at least it is a wall. He even turns on the light in the other room. "No, not THAT wall. The wall next to you!" Another slow circle. "JOSH! JUST TURN ON THE LIGHT! What, are you retar...." My voice caught in my throat as I realized that yes, yes he is, and what an ugly word to call him. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, like I would choke on the mass in my throat, like my heart had stopped, like I had betrayed my son. Tears filled my eyes as I stumbled toward him while dropping to my knees. I grabbed him into a big hug. "I am sorry Josh. Here, look. This is the light switch mom wanted you to turn on." I have never used the "R word" again.