Telling my life with his words, killing me softly

"I felt all flush with fever, embarrassed by the crowd. I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud. I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on....Tellin' my whole life with his words, killing me softly..." Immediately after it happened this song came to my mind. It is funny how that happens, I may not be able to express how I really feel about a situation but a song will come to mind that explains it. Today in class we watched a video of a mother of a child with disabilities. Her son (Josh's age) has behavioral problems, some of the same things that we are trying to work out. She said things, some that I have spoken with close friends and family about but no one else. One or two things that I may have alluded to but will not say. I felt like she was opening my head and telling everyone what it was REALLY like. I almost left the room. I resorted to silently sobbing (yes, the ugly cry) as still as I could on the first row hoping no one would notice. The professor apologized again and again. I suppose it is good for the students to really know, I suppose it would be good for the world to know, but I have never felt so exposed. Don't worry, I don't expect any comments. It just hit me so strongly I had to put it out there, this is my giant sigh, my "suck out the poison", my scream into a pillow. Sometimes you just have to throw something out to the world before you can let it go, you know?

Just another end of class breakdown

It feels like life just gets too overwhelming at the end of a semester. Lucky me, this time I get to have 2 end of the semesters in one semester! We go to two classes for 3 hours a day each everyday for 3 weeks. Then immediately start another two classes for 3 hours each everyday for another 3 weeks. This means that I am leave my home at 6:30, do homework on the bus, get to school, do homework before class, go to class for 3 hours, do homework during my 1 hour lunch break, go to my second class for 3 hours, do homework/make phone calls until bus arrives, do homework on bus, step off the bus at 5:35. I have 3 more days of the first round and I am, yet again, on my period during finals. As you can imagine, I am tired and insane. My son picks up on this and during these times, I SWEAR, he becomes a terror. Don't get me wrong, I love my child but we have been fending off behavioral therapy for almost a year and a half now because, "I should be able to do it. I will just try harder to be a good mom." I just broke down and called to get him an appointment because yesterday me and my husband both said, "I don't know how much more I can take of this." We were supposed to get help before we said that. I feel like such a failure. (I know, I shouldn't, but knowing and feeling are different) Shouldn't moms know what to do? I feel like he is just so frustrated with his lack of communication and lack of control in life that he is acting up. If I know this, why can't I make it different? I know he needs to use his ipad more to communicate. How do I make him? I suggest it to him, I give him "bean bucks" for using it, I keep it handy, try to remember to take it places with us. But he is not using it in such a way as to decrease his frustration. Why? How do I change it? I don't know. But here I am crying on the bus and some poor kid just had to sit next to the dripping girl. Oh, there, he left (changed seats, that's how disgusting I am. I know I must be because he is willing to change seats and I am on the roomiest row). So I should probably stop writing and get back to my homework. My $^&*%#@ homework. Excuse my fake French.

Spaghetti Summer

Celebrating the first official summer night with cousins. So. much. fun. One of my favorite memories is from when I was about 4ish. We had another family come for dinner. At the kid's table my mom covered the table with foil and plopped spaghetti down in a pile in the middle of the table. No plates, no utensils, nothing. Not only this but GUESTS were there to do it with us. That was the day that I realized my mom was way cooler than other moms. For a date activity for a dance in high school I had a bunch of friends and their dates and we did the same thing but we were allowed one odd kitchen utensil to eat with (whisk, etc). It was a blast. I decided to pass this on to Josh. Not that it is too weird for him because that is how he eats half of the time. BUT I did it too. The boys were shocked when they saw me plop a pile down for myself. When I took my first messy bite Josh looked at me like I was crazy. Soon we were all laughing and playing and eating. They all kept saying, "This is SO GOOD!" and "This is so much fun!" In the end, all food that was put on the table was eaten, all the kids (and I) were covered in sauce, and everyone had a smile on their face. Success.

Can't post this on Facebook...

Because I am friends with most of my classmates and gloating to people who are involved isn't very classy (not that gloating is ever very classy but whatever). I got the high score on my cumulative neuro anatomy final, a 98%! I only missed one question. *insert ridiculous dance here*....actually....There Thanks Storm Troopers, I didn't know my grades meant so much to you......Oh no, YOU rock.....Stop it, you are too kind. Okay, obviously my mind is fried.