Thursday, May 31, 2012
Telling my life with his words, killing me softly
"I felt all flush with fever, embarrassed by the crowd. I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud. I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on....Tellin' my whole life with his words, killing me softly..."
Immediately after it happened this song came to my mind. It is funny how that happens, I may not be able to express how I really feel about a situation but a song will come to mind that explains it. Today in class we watched a video of a mother of a child with disabilities. Her son (Josh's age) has behavioral problems, some of the same things that we are trying to work out. She said things, some that I have spoken with close friends and family about but no one else. One or two things that I may have alluded to but will not say. I felt like she was opening my head and telling everyone what it was REALLY like. I almost left the room. I resorted to silently sobbing (yes, the ugly cry) as still as I could on the first row hoping no one would notice.
The professor apologized again and again. I suppose it is good for the students to really know, I suppose it would be good for the world to know, but I have never felt so exposed. Don't worry, I don't expect any comments. It just hit me so strongly I had to put it out there, this is my giant sigh, my "suck out the poison", my scream into a pillow. Sometimes you just have to throw something out to the world before you can let it go, you know?
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I read your last two posts and the comment you posted on mine yesterday. You and me are fighters, but the best thing I've learned in my adult life is how to recognize when it's time to stop fighting. And I think you've hit that point.
ReplyDeleteWhen you flew out here to Arizona I tried to tell you how hard life would be. I feel like I failed. I know this rock bottom point very well. Something needs to give in your life right now, something needs to change. Whatever the change is that you are afraid of, make it. I promise that it won't be as scary or devastating as you think it will be on the other side.
Reassess. Think outside the box. Tell me what you need. I love you. But only you can save you. And you need to save you now.
Sadly, the only change is harder than all that. I need to be calmer. I need to be more in control of myself. Tyler has really stepped up, family has helped out, but essentially, school takes up too much of my life and patience so that I am not able to handle Josh the way he needs. He needs someone who is unshakable. The moment he sees me start to lose it he pushes and pushes and then laughs as I fall over the edge. So there it is. I need to keep myself under better control and I need help understanding how to change Josh's behavior. Dropping out of school would be stupid, and although some days I need a break, I hate to spend any more time away from my son. I need to be less of a perfectionist in school but that is harder than it sounds. I need to delegate my responsibilities more and I have been working on that and Tyler has been great but it just isn't enough. So you see, this is not a failure on your part. Even knowing how hard this would be (and that it would continue to be hard) I would still choose it every time. I think the worst part is just that I feel I am so much to blame because I keep losing my cool and the more I loose it the more Josh loves it and tries to make me lose it. My fault, not really his, and that is what sucks. It makes me feel like a bad mom. I hate yelling, I hate being upset at him, and I hate that he seems to want to hurt my feelings or make me angry. I will figure it out, I always do. The days that I find my zen space and stay absolutely calm and have the energy to be aware of his trigger signs and encourage him to participate in EVERYTHING I do, these days go really well, but as you can imagine, it is hard to do all that after 11 hours straight of school.
DeleteI understand managing medical needs of a child, full time work, and school. And I understand being a perfectionist. I put school on pause more than once. You say it would be stupid. It's not. What's the worst that could happen? It will take you a while to be accepted into the program again? Some people will say, "Oh don't quit, you won't go back." Don't listen to them. You and I know that's not true. You will finish. Go talk to your professors and counselors. Talk to the head of the program. With the field you are in, I am sure that someone will have sympathy for you needing time for a special needs boy. There IS something they can do for you!
ReplyDeleteYou keep saying you need to change inside. That's what I mean about thinking outside the box--it's noble to want to change yourself, but sometimes to cope you need to change your circumstances.
You need to take a break. Take it from someone who has been there. School will be there when you are ready. Adjust your expectations of yourself. They are too high. You are a great student and a great mother. But there are times when you need to be only one or the other. You are getting too burned out. I know these signs. I KNOW there is some way you can take a break. But you need to recognize it and start talking to people at school about your options.
I know you want to finish. I know it seems like a fail to put it on hold. But it isn't. It takes strength to know when to throw in the towel. I've finished a bachelors and graduate degree--it didn't feel any less great because it took me 13 years. It felt better. Why, why, why, why is it so imperitive that you finish this NOW? WHY, why, why is not more important that Josh needs all of you right now? What is it truly that is driving you to keep yourself in a situation that is killing you?
I love you. And I know that you pride yourself on not being me. But don't let that blind you to what you need.
I love you. Thank you for caring so much. I want you to know that it isn't that I pride myself on not being you, I just am not. Not better, not worse, just different. I know for me that every once in a while I need to break down and after that I analyze what is making me unhappy and how I can change it. I feel that I am on my way to this. I am just not ready to stop school right now. I feel I have not exhausted my options. We will see how I feel after meeting with the behavioralist. Especially around finals my life just becomes horribly off balance. I will promise to keep your advice in mind though. I am lucky to have a big sister who has so much wisdom and who cares enough to share it, just don't be hurt if I don't make all the decisions you would make. We ARE different, and that is okay.
DeleteI'm not, nor will I be, hurt if you don't make the decisions I would (or have) or even if you never listen to my advice at all. And I'm sorry for giving you unsolicted advice--I try to make it a point not to do that. I agree that we approach life from completely opposite perspectives. It seems silly now to think my comments would help you.
ReplyDeleteI was only thinking if we do what we always do, we will get the result we've always gotten. Ocassionally listening to someone else's very different perspective changes the result we end up with. And I let that overshadow my better judgment, so I'm sorry, I know you just wanted to vent. Next time I'll do the normal "Oh, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now and you're in my thoughts and prayers" route.