Zach Anner

So I was browsing other people's blogs today when I came across one for Zach Anner, a contestant on Oprah's-something-or-other to win a TV show. Sadly, I have been unable to keep up with Oprah since going back to school so although I had seen him once before, it was too late to vote for him. I began to watch all of his stuff online which you can watch here http://www.youtube.com/user/ZachAnner (for some reason I can't make it a link)

He is hilarious, handsome, and wonderful. If you have time, you need to watch his stuff. And not just the Oprah stuff, the Austin stuff is great too.

I only wish he was still posting things. I think it is important for the world to understand that a person is a person, no matter how different. One of the moms whose blog I follow said this about her son, "His personality is not disabled". And I find that so true. When people take the time to get to know my son they say something to the effect of, Wow! He is so amazing. I can't believe he has cerebral palsy. I would have never known! Well, hello, the signs are all there. The problem is how we all think of what disabilities "look like" and what a person "is" when they have a disability.

I love this guy. I think you will too.

I 'yam what I 'yam because of 'yAmber

I love Christmas. Of course my mother always made Christmas fun when I was a kid. If you know my mom you know it is true. We made ornaments, and candy, cookies (don't forget to decorate them!), fudge, reading all the stories and watching the movies, we saw the lights, decorated gingerbread houses, EVERYTHING!

But I have to say, that Christmas is what it is to me because of my sister Amber. The Christmas after I got my first job, we decided to combine our money with our brother, and buy presents for everyone in the family. And not just one present, but 3 presents per family member (which if you recall is quite a feat since there are so many of us).

For at least a month, we would all go shopping together. Amber would blast the Christmas music and we would all sing (mostly badly). Snow? 1,000,000 shoppers? No problem. We made an effort to say "Merry Christmas" to everyone we made contact with. We welcomed the crowds and the lines. That made it all the more special when we got the perfect gift. We made sure that we had money to give to every bell ringer and a smile for anyone out that day.

We would laugh as we wrapped presents and then (at least what seemed like many nights) she would read Christmas stories of giving, love, and family out loud to us. Most years, we would give to Sub for Santa too.

Christmas was always a time of laughter, love, giving, some crying (you know stuff like that "Christmas shoes" song get you too), and fun. Now my sweet sister lives many states away but this time of year will always make me think of those times and how they have shaped Christmas for me. It will always feel like a time of giving (even without money), a time of family (even when they move away), and a time of love. Thanks Amber.

Surgery

Wednesday Josh had a gastroc soleal fascia release. Essentially, there is a tough membrane (fascia) around all of your muscles, the surgeon goes in and cuts the fascia around his calf muscles. The idea is that will release some of the tension on his muscles and he will be able to flex his foot (toes to the ceiling), which he has been unable to do for some time now.

We went to the hospital with plenty of time. All was going well. The waiting rooms are filled with fun toys so waiting is never a big concern.

The nurse wanted to know if Josh has a problem with anxiety or if he has a problem being taken into surgery without me. Uh, yes, he will probably kick and scream if past experiences can predict future ones. So they recommended Versed, an anti anxiety medication that will help him relax. "About 5 minutes after we give it to him he will become clumsy, he will have trouble walking or doing any coordinated movement (sounds like the usual) so you will have to hold him." No big deal, sure!

They give it to him. 5 minutes later, a very different child appears. He becomes restless, no more than restless, he becomes manic. He is flinging his arms around and trying to JUMP off my lap. It is everything I can do to just hold onto the kid. A very different boy than they told me to expect. Oh and this is fabulous, I just googled it to make sure I spelled it right and under side effects it says:

Some side effects can be serious. If your child experiences any of these symptoms, call his or her doctor immediately:

agitation

restlessness

uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body

stiffening and jerking of the arms and legs

aggression

slow or irregular heartbeat

Great. Well, I suppose it is a good thing the doctor was right there. Maybe that is why they took him away so fast....

Anyway, Josh did really well. He woke up and was kind of upset but alright after some pain meds, mom cuddles, and some cartoons. We got to come home on Wednesday.

He is doing awesome! He is happy for the most part and is good about taking his medicine even though he tells me it smells and tastes bad. He is a lucky little boy. My mom has brought fun projects for him to do every day. She has brought stamps, paints and ornaments to decorate, cookies along with frosting, sprinkles, and chocolate chips, and other great things. He has been loving it (which is great because with finals coming up, I try to study a lot of the day and I am not so fun).

The doctor said to wait a few days before putting weight on it but let him move at his own pace and he will walk when he wants to. Right now he is crawling around the room playing with toys and coloring in his new coloring books. I am slightly worried that he may try to pull a "I don't need to walk, I will just crawl until I get this thing off" (that is just the kind of kid he is, if it hurts and seems like trouble, I can make do doing something else type) but I will hold out hope and try to encourage some weight bearing this weekend.

It's beginning to look a lot like Chirstmas...

Josh made me a Christmas gift already. While I was at the Research Symposium, Josh kept stacking up his cereal. Tyler asked if he wanted to glue them on something.

Isn't he cute?

And here is a better picture of his creation. It has candy, cereal, buttons, a key and a picture of us.

We also decorated the house. Here is an advent calendar that Sharon got for Josh. He loves it but not because there is candy in it (there isn't) but because it is actually a festive war zone...duh.

As you can tell by the dead sheriff hanging out a window above Santa.

And a dead ninja dude (killed by either the nutcracker soldier guys or Pez Captain America. Oh and of course, what everyone is fighting for, the treasure in the little door!

I am not sure what exactly these guys are doing shoved into this little house but there were a lot of gun shots involved.

I have been using the "Santa is watching you" method of getting Josh to be good. The other day Tyler was joking around that he was going to break an ornament. Josh gets really serious and a little bossy, gets Tyler's attention and says, "HO!" then uses his entire hand to point at his eyes and then point at Tyler. Translation: "Dad, Santa is watching you!"

Unwind? Destress? Never heard of him.

Well I have to admit, most of the reason I am posting this is because I have time (which is a rare commodity nowadays) and I feel as though there is so much going on that I should let all you people know....but I don't feel like it. For over a week now, I may have time to get on Facebook or check up on blogs for a moment but when I try to post a new status...nothing. It feels as if nothing is important enough or perhaps just too much "work" to put it out into the world. I hope I am not the only one to have these times in life. But here goes:

Josh's doctors and therapists can't come to an agreement if he should be getting an ipad or an itouch so we will be going to a specialist on December 5th. This specialist will be able to tell us what Josh is capable of doing fine-motor wise and also what he can handle cognitively as far as a communication device and how that should be set up. It will be nice to finally get him a device. I can't wait to hear his thoughts. (I know that is still a long way off but a girl can dream right?)

So Josh is getting surgery on his leg on December 7th. He will be getting a gastroc-something to do with fascia-release (give me a break, I have a lot going on, I remember the important parts of the name). It gives similar results as a heel cord lengthening but it is not as extreme. The doctors are worried that his leg is too weak and if we over lengthen he won't be able to use his leg. The doctors expect him to start walking again between 4-10 days after surgery.

December 8th is my last official day of school and the beginning of my finals. The following Monday and Wednesday are also finals. Strangely, I am more worried about the test than I am about the fact that Josh will still be down from surgery. I am so lucky to have family that will help out whenever they can. Thank goodness we live so close and that they love Josh. This would be much harder without them.

The idea of the coming semester is killing me. Here I am with all of this end of semester stuff and my brain keeps going to January and saying, "How will you ever make this work?" I will have to stay late at least twice a week (5pm and 7pm) but on top of that I have fieldwork (a whole new world of scary) that I will need to fit in to my already busy week. I will have school every day as well. I am freaking out because Josh has so many doctor and therapist appointments...when will I take him? Starting in January we will need to be hitting PT and speech really hard, we still have OT, and his doctors are trying to work with us but we will need to take him in to see a doctor at least a few times in the semester if not more. Everyone else works and truly, since I have been doing this for so long, I am the one that knows how it all works. I am the one with all of the questions and knowing how and to talk to doctors and get answers. When other people go with me, they are normally lost.

To add to all of that, (or more likely, because of how I am already feeling) I have had a hard time not being envious of other people's situations. Especially Josh. Kids his age are so funny. I really feel left out not hearing his thoughts. That is why I posted those pictures of him. I try to remind myself that my son is still funny (he really is, you should see his impression of himself when he put on the treadmill too fast at our neighbor's house) and he still tells me his stories, I just have to try harder to hear them and interpret them. (Oh, and yes, my son is wearing his underwear backward so he can see the superheroes, and yes he has better abs than we will ever have, which actually is something we are in trouble for from the doctor because he is too skinny...)

All this stupid stress is giving me acid reflux. Which makes me have strange hiccups. And nausea. And lumps of acid in my throat. Which makes me stressed. No wonder I am crazy.

So there you have it people. This is my life right now. Probably no more crazy than yours, I am just letting it get to me. Geez, cowboy up right? Actually I do feel better.

Zombie Halloween 2011

LOL!! He looks like he is so upset about the chips!!

I never knew being a zombie could be so much fun!

Josh was so freaked out by Tyler he had to go to bed early. Strangely, he didn't act as if I looked strange at all. Not sure what that says about me.

This is part of a series of pictures we took that tell a story of Melissa being attacked at a party. This is the best picture. I want to crop it and frame it.

And this is how our confrontation ended, because as Melissa said, if there was a zombie apocalypse, she would of course have a shovel in the dining room.

Tasty baby!

So creepy.

Awwww! Cute family

I don't know why I didn't get pictures of Rick and Abby, they looked so amazing. I am sure they have pictures somewhere if you are interested...which you should be. And although you can't tell by the pictures, I swear there were more people there. I don't know why I didn't take pictures of more people.

So much fun on Halloween!

Getting ready for Halloween is one of my favorite things. This year I am even more excited because my amazing brother made the focal point of my costume and (like everything he makes) it is amazing. I am being a "steam punk" chick. And these are my goggles:

If you were paying attention, yes, that was a working light on it and on the other side are magnifying flip down thingys ( like on Toy Story 2 when the old guy fixes up Woody!). They are made with leather sewn with bronze wire. Yes, you can sing his praises now. He is the most amazing artist I know.

So to begin with (for parties etc.) I will be just plain steam punk but then for actual Halloween I will be a steam punk zombie. I need to be a zombie because Sharon is throwing a zombie party! All zombie themed and everyone must come as some one related to zombies. As "entertainment" (if you have seen me dance you know it is laughable) we will be doing a Thriller dance! I wish it was this one. But alas, we are all busy so it will be this one.

Josh is totally into the spirit as well. He has a Batman costume and a ninja costume and he wears them daily. I am hoping to talk him into being Batman because that costume fits over his braces better. Either way, he is adorable. Now I just have to figure out how to have him say "trick or treat" this year. Every year I have him sign it and everyone asks if he is deaf. Do I just give up and pretend that he is? Or do I find another way? A PECS picture maybe? That will confuse people really nicely. Maybe they will be so confused they won't ask. I would love to give him an easy way to do it. With signing, I have to be right there saying it for him or people don't know what he is saying. No matter what old people tend to think he is being rude. If he handed them a picture saying trick or treat they probably couldn't read it. I don't know. I just wish he could be more independent with it. I am open to suggestions!

This is going to be an awesome Halloween.

Crazy life

Its an old picture but I love it. It is so Josh.

So life is crazy. I am at school (or on the road there and back)for at least 10 1/2 hours a day for 4 days a week. I have an insane dissection lab that I love. What an opportunity to learn about anatomy in a hands on way. I find myself laughing every week as I read what we are going to do. Laughing in a nervous mildly insane way. After all when you read something like, "milk the rectum upwards before tying the string around it to minimize rectal leakage" or "today you will be sawing your body in half" you either laugh or cry...I laugh.

My classes are awesome. For Kinesiology, we learned all about torque. Then we learned about the correct way to wear a backpack to decrease torque on the lower back. We then worked a booth (Backpack Awareness) at the Utah Health Fair. So fun to use what we have learned in a real OT way and to help people learn how to wear their purses and bags to not hurt their backs/shoulders.

Hot Chelle Rae has a song called "Tonight, Tonight". The first month of school one line kept replaying in my mind, "I don't know if I'll make it, but watch how good I'll fake it". That is exactly how I have felt about school. Put on the smile, if you look like you know what you are doing they may not catch on that you are as lost as they are. Apparently it worked because other students began asking me to help them study. This past week we had our first round of tests and I can finally take a deep breath and know that I am going to make it.

We have had all sorts of craziness with Josh. He broke his elbow and wrist falling off the jungle gym at school. He had surgery to fix it and now it is in a cast. He is doing really well except at night. He can't sleep which is making him such a ray of sunshine during the day. He has started to become pretty ambidextrous, it is rather incredible.

My posts may become even more scarce.

So I am beginning to understand that my life is going to be insane.

I get up at 5:45, leave the house by 6:15 to get on the bus by 6:25. Get to school at 8:00. Study until my next class. Classes until 2, with a couple breaks (not long). Thursdays cadaver lab from 2-5:15.

Ride home on the bus takes an 1 1/2 hours. Back home to make dinner, clean up dinner and spend some time with the family.

So I think it is time to turn this into a picture type of blog. But before that, here is one last real post.

5 years and 1 hour ago I got the greatest gift in the world. I had my adorable baby boy Josh. It has been a long hard road but I wouldn't change it for the world. I was going to write more but he is tired and just started having a meltdown. He needs me. I am so lucky.

Special Kids Rodeo 2011

It took me 45 minutes of convincing but he finally let the clown paint his face. Since he was so worried about it, she did it in record time (just about a minute flat). He was so excited after it was done that he could not contain himself.
He refused to ride the cow version of this, I guess he is just a Bronco buster.
They raced their stick horses. It was pretty close but I think Chantelle won.
He kept calling it a horse but either way, he roped the crap out of this hay lamb.
He still loves Sundance. I don't think he remembered him at first but it didn't take long before they were playing kick ball. Josh just loves him so much!

Vroom! Vroom!

For those of you who don't know, we are crazy and bought Josh a battery powered 4 wheeler. He loves it. He worships it. He lives to ride it. He rides for hours at a time. He is willing to ride in the cul de sac now (he wouldn't before because that is where he crashed) and has even taught himself a few tricks: standing up while riding and going off of curbs.

It looks like this:

We were out and about and suddenly he is screeching and doing his hand signal for 4 wheelers/motorcycles/anything with wheels not a car/truck/etc.

I look everywhere. Cannot see what he is talking about. He is still doing his signal but has now started making motor noises but they are still frantic. I am beginning to feel frantic, my son is crazy. He is seeing invisible motor vehicles. Maybe he changed his hand sign to mean something else? What is going on?! As Josh's antics start to reach an all time high I see it. I can't help but smile. I let the irony wash over me and I can't help but laugh. Josh confirms what he is talking about is this sign:

Things I want to remember from this week...

My son is a toughy. He rolled a 4 wheeler and by the 7th day, all his scabs have come off and he looks normal again. Let's not do that again honey.

Josh has been taking "trips". He says goodbye to everyone then rides off in his wiggle car or tricycle. He may or may not "call" you to talk to you while he is gone. Then he rides back over and insists on everyone cheering for his arrival. Hugs and kisses for everyone. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I am pretty sure I caught Josh arguing with his shadow. He was leaning over, looking at his shadow, yelling and shaking his head "no". He would also shake his finger in a "no, no, no" fashion. Very Peter Pan.

We went to the movie at the park with Abby. They were playing Tangled. Josh was so excited to see the Disney castle at the beginning. When he sees that he knows it is a movie for him. He clapped and yelled his approval all the way to the beginning of the movie. He had me hold him the whole time. I had one of those moments where you try to suck in every detail, every sensation so you can appreciate it and hopefully remember how wonderful it was. How he smells, how his hair feels on my cheek, the way he giggles when someone is hit by a frying pan. He still fits so well on my lap. I will cry the day he outgrows it.

We went to our city celebration thingy and saw "The Flying Ninjas" (a gymnastics, acrobatic, group, some dressed like ninjas with a VERY loose story line). So much fun. Josh loves ninjas so he watched with such intensity that I don't think anything could break his focus. I tried to get him to go give one a high five afterward but he was too shy. In between performances, all Josh wanted to do was play the instruments at one of the vendors. He would play the drums until someone else came along and wanted to play, then he would play a keyboard. The moment their butt left the seat he was back over at the drums ready to play again.

Josh pooped in the potty today! He felt that he was going and asked to be put on the potty. He still hasn't peed in the potty but I feel that this is a big step. We will see how the next few days go.

Olivia Kate was born today. She is so sweet and beautiful. And Chantelle didn't look like she had even broken a sweat! Neither of them was red or mottled, not even a hair out of place! I can't wait to see them again.

It has been a great week. I hope I can remember it.

VEGAS BABY!

Our second annual Wuste trip was this last weekend. For those of you who do not know, Wuste is a European car show in Vegas. Tons of people from all over (mostly the Western US) come to show off their modded VWs, BMWs, Audi's, Porsche's, Ferrari's, etc. This year there were 1,300 cars and something like 4,000 people. We had the entire Boulder Station Hotel/Casino booked out just for Wuste people. Everyone from northern Utah gets together to drive in caravan to Vegas. This year we probably had about 25 cars. We stop for gas together and give the In 'N Out in St. George record sales.

So here is a run down of our trip, from beginning to end.

Overheard in gas station bathroom: 3 yr old talking "Mom? What's that on your panties?" Ack!!! Some days I am so glad my son can't talk.

People hanging out of cars getting driving shots of other cars. Not too much drama until Nico breaks the lip on his bumper (not that it matters, he still won first place in Audi class).

Get to the hotel. Walk to our room to find Greg is our across the hall neighbor. Greg lives in Seattle and is the owner of Podi, who sponsors my husband. They have known each other for years but have never met. All of us and the people in his room become instant friends. Greg keeps calling Tyler a "scene celebrity" over and over to everyone he meets. It is so strange because he seems mildly star struck and yet he is the one with the company sponsoring Tyler. We make fun of him for this, but as the days go on, I begin to see what he means. Tyler came up and gave me a kiss. After he walked away, the person I had been talking to turned to me with wide eyes and asked, "Was that Tyler?" "Yeah...He's my husband. Do you know him?" "Not in person, I recognized him from pictures on his thread." Weird. Things like this kept happening. I guess my husband's a scene celebrity after all.

That first night, in the hall on our floor, some kid came up to us trying to sell us pills "Xanex, Oxy, whatever". Uh, no thank you. This same kid sat outside the elevator on our floor trying to sell pills literally the entire time (well, not in the morning but he was probably to messed up to get out of bed). By the end of the second night, Tyler asks him if he has had any luck. The kid says, "No man. People want to buy it but they are like, 'I don't do that stuff'"....wouldn't that mean that they don't actually want it? Tyler looks at him completely straight faced and says, "Maybe you should try selling something people actually want to buy." "Like what?" "Pancakes." (Kid looks like he is thinking WAY too hard for his little brain)...."What are pancakes?" We just laughed and walked away. I wish I could say he got a clue but every time we saw him he tried to ask us what pancakes were. Brain cells people, you need them.

Car show was awesome. Sadly, many of the cars I fell in love with last year didn't make it. Still, if you are interested in seeing some highlights, the pics are on Tyler's facebook page.

We went to Mesa Grill for lunch. Bobby Flay's restaurant in Ceasar's Palace (possibly my favorite casino because it is so darn beautiful). It was AMAZING. I got the spicy chicken and sweet potato hash with poached eggs on top, smothered with hollandase and some sort of chile creamy stuff. Amazing. And at only $16-$18ish a person (during the day), it was the same price as many other not as good restaurants. And the service was spectacular. I highly recommend it.

We also went to the pawn shop that Pawn Stars is filmed in. Pretty cool. You have to wait in line to get in it is so big now. None of the guys on the show were working (I imagine it would be hard because people would always be in their faces wanting pictures and what not). But it was cool to see some of the items that I recognized from the show.

Gabe had our one true tragedy. Totalled his car on Fremont street. : (

That night we walked the strip until our feet fell off (cool thing: bunch of guys were holding up signs 0-10 and yelling out which # went to which girl. They gave me a 10 : ) ), went to bed way too late, got up way too early for the awards ceremony. Actually, quite a few people that we know got awards so that was pretty cool. Tyler even picked up the award for "best vendor" for Integrated Engineering (he is their designer) and Joe got "farthest traveled" and they didn't even bring cars!

Drive home took forever but all in all it was so much fun. Can't wait to go again next year. Oh, and 4 of us drove in Jesse's Jetta TDI. We got about 38 miles to the gallon and only had to fill up twice the entire trip. I am thinking TDI is the way to go....

Funny Videos

For those of you who do not get on facebook, here are Josh's recent videos. He is my son, but I think he is hilarious.

The first video is of his magic trick. We were sitting at Melissa's table eating grapes when he suddenly did this trick for me. At first I was confused what he was doing but when he pulled his hand out and gasped I just about died laughing. I don't know where he got it but I love it. I love it when he comes up with things like this. It helps me remember that he is still as creative as other kids.

The second one he did get some help learning. We watched Allan and Stacy's for about a week awhile ago. Pax and Wyatt had a good time chasing the kids around like zombies. Next thing I know, Josh has his own zombie impression. The great thing is that he has no real idea of what happens when a zombie catches you. Normally once he catches someone he suddenly turns into a ninja and tries to karate chop them. So, as you see in the movie, he has no idea that zombies are scary.

So this is my son. Funny, creative, expressive. I just love the faces he pulls. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Hurts so good

Chantelle waxed my arms, face, and arm pits today so I can be ready for Vegas this weekend. Arms and face, no big deal. It doesn't hurt really and I love the results. Arm pits? Those are a different story. Usually I try to not have Josh with me so he doesn't hear my gasps of pain as my nerves scream at me for being so cruel. If you have never gotten your arm pits waxed you wouldn't understand. The first time went a little like this: Chantelle rips off the strip with a huge tearing sound. I say, "It wasn't that....ARGH!!!" My nerve endings literally could not believe what I had just done to them. They sat there like, "Did she just?...No...Holy crap, she did, quick tell the brain." Then horrifying pain.

But today there was no getting around it. Josh was going to witness the joyous event. He got bored with the arms and the face but somehow he sensed a change in the air when I was getting ready to do my pits. He wants to watch, no, not watch, he wants to soak in every terrifying detail. He had his face so close to my arm pit I thought he was going to get his cheek stuck on the wax. Finally we convinced him he needed to be on the other side to hold my hand.

He held my hand, patting my arm and whispering in a soft calming tone. I was looking at him and the second Chantelle ripped my face must have given away the spectacular things going on on the other side of the table because in one moment he was whispering sweet nothings and the next he was on the other side of the table, eyes wide looking like he just saw the worst and best thing in his life. He was sweet enough to sign "Stop" to Chantelle but his hands said stop and his face said, "That was awesome, again!"

Luckily, this time I didn't bleed too much. Josh think: horrific pain?= okay, tiny scratch with blood? = death. He continued to be fascinated with what Chantelle was doing and in between whispering "ow" he insisted that she stop "cutting" me with tweezers while she plucked the stragglers.

Ah, adventures of the summer are beginning already.

Left to Tell

This last week I read an amazing book that I have not been able to shake from my mind. It is called "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza. It is the true story of a woman who lives through the Rwandan Holocaust and finds it in her heart to forgive the people who slaughtered her people and brutally murdered her family. http://www.lefttotell.com/

This book made me ugly cry...a lot. I tried to compose myself but I couldn't uncrumple my face or slow my gasping sobs. I cried for her, I cried for her family, for the Tutsis, for the lost childhoods on both sides, for the hatred that grew so easily, for humankind and how easily everyday people can become monsters. I would like to say I have stopped crying (since it has been 4 days since I read the end of the book) but I haven't.

Who am I? Am I the kind of person who could kill my neighbor given such circumstances? Am I the person who would survive but have hatred in my heart? Could I, like Immaculee, forgive after I knew the horror of my family's last breaths? Would I die, facing my attackers with courage and even poise while facing a horrific death?

I don't know if I could forgive. I wish I could say that I could.

Since going to college, in many of my classes we have touched on the subject of everyday people becoming monsters when the right situation arose. College students who continued to press the button that they believed shocked a person in a neighboring room even though they heard shrieks of pain, cries for mercy, and eventually silence because an authority figure told them to. Studies with college students who were made "prison officers" of other college students who were playing the part of "prisoners" that had to be cut short because it began to have scary similarities to Guantanamo Bay after 2 weeks. And so many more. And now this book where people kill their neighbors and friends...why?, because they are of a different tribe, because they are scared, because their government told them to, because they listened to enough evil that they began to become evil themselves?

I said it in class and I say it now. I will not be a follower who blindly does what I am told. I have a brain and it is a pretty good one. I will use it. I will find courage to stand up for what I believe even when it is an unpopular belief. I may not be as strong as Immaculee, I may not be able to forgive the way she did, but I can remember what following blindly can do and I can find the courage to know when to go against what I am told.

Holla' Holland!

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

For years I have known my plane landed in Holland. For four years Josh has done so well (for Josh) that I have been able to pretend that maybe at some point, someone would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, what are you doing here? You are supposed to be in Italy." and hand me my ticket. Maybe if I worked hard enough while in Holland, maybe if I did everything right, maybe.....

There were even times that, in a Don Quixote moment, I saw windmills and thought they might be the leaning tower of Pisa.

But alas, I have been disillusioned. My son will never speak. I am never leaving Holland. And that is okay. It can be rather beautiful.

Whoo-hoo!!

I have spent the last 2 or 3 weeks convincing myself that I will be fine if I don't get into the OT program at U of U this year. I would give extra attention to Josh and his therapy and I would get a job. Things would be great. Then I got an e-mail....THE email. U of U wants me to interview!!! Now this doesn't mean that I am definitely in but it means I am 1/2 way there.

The interview is an all day event on March 4. I am super excited and kind of freaking out but it is going to be awesome!

Where has all the time gone?

Ah, home from school. Go pee. See Tyler, talk with him, give him a kiss goodbye. Settle down with BioMed, a pen, and index cards. Quick, only 1/2 an hour before Josh gets home!!

Wait! Was that the bus? Go check...nope. Back to taking notes.

I hear a bus! Run! Wrong bus. Back to taking notes.

Crap!! The bus driver is honking at me because they are tired of waiting for me. Run! So excited to see my little boy. Apologize to bus driver.

Inside, ask Josh about his day. Guess what he might have done while he shakes his head yes or no. Wish he could tell me stories about his friends.

Tell Josh he needs to go play so mommy can study a bit more. Study, study, take notes.

(from upstairs) "MAMA!" "You have to come down stairs to talk with Mom." "MAMA!" (clomp, clomp, clomp)

"MAMA!" "How do we talk to Mama?" "mama" "You want me to put on your cape?" (shakes head yes) "-s-s-s-Superman or b-b-b-b-Batman?" "GA!" "S-S-S-S-uperman or B-B-B-B-B-B-atman?" (shakes head yes on Batman) Instruct Josh how to put lips together and make the "B" sound. "Ba!" Put on Batman cape and go back to studying.

Repeat cape fiasco.

And Again.

30 minutes, only 2 pages down.

Lunch.

Clean up lunch and house.

Try to study.

Tell Josh to get out of the kitchen and not play with kitchen utensils. (from front room) CLANK CLANK CLANK! "Bring back the spoons! Get out of the front room, it isn't a playroom!"

(Josh comes in with books and throws them on my BioMed book). Read books. Read more books.

Feel like bad mom, go play with Josh.

Put Josh in my bed for movie time.

Quick! Study like a mad woman!!

Josh comes back up. Whew! Just finished!...BioMed...still have Medical Terminology, Anthropology and/or Theatre.

House is a wreck again, dinner needs to be made. Can't find any spoons to make dinner, decide to clean instead. Find all spoons in front room.

Make dinner, eat, clean up.

Ah...the internet.

Ugh...

So I never really saw myself as a procrastinator but I suppose I must be. I begged to see my academic advisor for over a month before I saw her in December. By that time, Christmas was upon us. She did not strike the fear of not making it in time to me so as Christmas stuff filled my days I didn't worry about figuring out OT school stuff.

Now here it is, I look up the information I need and deadline...January 15....crap. Alright, I have time. I have done my observation hours, I have people who will be my references, I have the grades, all is well...

Except the GRE. I haven't taken it yet! And moreover, it costs 300+ dollars!! And it takes 3-4 weeks for the official results to get to the school!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

So here I am, I have just paid $45 to apply for U of U, I need to go buy my transcript, not sure how much that is, to send over to them. I will need to pay OTCA $125 to apply for the OT program. And then after all of that I have to pay someone ridiculous amounts of money to take the stupid GRE and even then, they won't get it on time. (Oh yeah, and I haven't bought books for this semester)

I called the OT academic advisor and she said either way it is a gamble but if I take the GRE asap, they might get it (albeit late) and still consider me.

I am freaking out. I have filled most everything out online, I have gotten mostly completed with everything, it is just that test. So I suppose I will take the gamble. I guess I will spend the money and try. I don't want to waste a year. I want to finish this.

*sigh* My brain hurts.