Merry Christmas!

Josh and I have had a fun Winter Break so far. We saw Santa (like 3 times) and his reindeer. We have shopped and wrapped. We have watched the movies and read the books. I am ready for Christmas to come but I will be sad to see it go.

I can't help but to think of last Christmas and my Christmas miracle. I still don't know what the future will hold but I am so thankful for my family and Josh's accomplishments this past year.

So let us remember this Christmas who it was that made lame men walk and blind men see and my Joshy talk. Merry Christmas and God bless us, everyone.

Amen Josh.

This morning I was reminded that my sweet son can say so much even though he can only speak 7 words.

Today I was excited to share a Thanksgiving tradition I have with Josh. Until this year, he has not been interested in the Macey's Thanksgiving Day Parade but I knew this year he would love it. But when I turned on the TV we still had ten minutes to go before it started. Okay, fine, we will watch the Today Show for ten minutes.

As we watched, they cut to one of their reporters in Afganistan. He was there with Marines. I tried to explain, "Those men and women are not with their families today. They are serving our country." Josh stared intently at the screen. Then said reverently, "Home". At first I was confused, why would he say that? "You want them to come home?" He nodded his head without taking his eyes off the screen.

He watched quietly, snuggled against me, eyes glued to the Marines so far from home. Then as the Marines waved to family, he blew kisses over and over.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. And (even though there are not many in the military who read my blog), a special thank you to all those who serve our country, from me and Josh.

Ungrateful?

I know I am supposed to be grateful this time of year. And I am for the most part. Is it wrong to want MORE? List of things Josh does I am thankful for:

The baclofen is working really well, therefore, we don't have to worry about his legs so much.

He started saying, "Home" last month. That means he now says mama, hot, home, go, boo, ho, ow...I think that is it. (He can't say "Da" anymore since he started saying home)

He can also say "bu" for book and "ma" for more if prompted and sometimes coached.

With coaching he can say the b, m, f, s, and p sounds

If I use the "In 5 minutes..." method, I can get him to do most things.

He knows that 5 is a big number and uses it by holding up his hand all the time.

He is beautiful.

He is sweet.

He wants to be my baby forever.

He can pick up his room now, although some days it takes a lot of fighting to get it done.

He likes to cuddle still.

He always wants to help, even when I don't want him to.

He sings Christmas songs with me in the car since I don't have a radio.

He is an adorable bowler.

There are so many reasons to be happy with him and I am. I just want more.

Maybe it is because his teachers are frustrated with his lack of progress.

Maybe I am jealous of how easily talking comes to other children. Maybe I am scared that by

going to school I am not being the mother I should be to him. I know all of these play a part in

the way I am feeling right now. But two things have happened recently to make me have that

ache for more.

I was telling Tyler what the teachers said about Josh and saying how worried I was about him and Tyler said, "Have you ever considered that Josh WON'T talk? Or that he won't talk in sentences like other people?" Of course I have considered this. I have tried to accept that possibility since he was 3 weeks old. But we have worked so hard. We have fought for his words. Having a reminder that no matter how hard we work it may not make a difference was hard to hear but it is true.

Then today I was talking to his speech therapist about how he lost "Da" in exchange for "home". She said something like, we will keep trying for it but he may never get it back. I have never had one of his doctors or therapists say something like that, at least not for years. It has been, we are so pleased, he is doing better than we could have ever expected, I think with hard work this kiddo will keep surprising us. So to hear someone say they didn't know if he could get back something as important as "da", that is rough.

And don't get me started on potty training.

*sigh* I know I shouldn't but I want more.

Bowling!

I am taking a bowling class this semester. I really do love it. The problem is that I suck. The professor asked us the first day of class what we wanted to get out of the class. Most everyone just said they wanted to have a good time. I said I wanted to be able to out bowl my husband.

Tyler used to go bowling all the time in Colorado. Back when he very first came back and we started dating he took me bowling and kicked my butt so hard it was almost pathetic. He doesn't bowl very often now and so his average has come down significantly. Even so, he kicks my butt every time.

The teacher has spent extra time with me explaining what I am doing wrong and right so I can reach my goal. I still am in the bottom 10% of the class, I would put money on it. I am really trying and enjoying myself though. It is pretty humbling that I can be on top of all my other classes but give me something physical and no matter how hard I try I suck. Even billiards was easier than this because I only had to focus on my upper body. When the whole body is involved I become about as coordinated as someone who is piss drunk.

So yesterday I decided to take my family bowling with me. Just as we got there, Tyler realized he was wearing flip flops (no socks) so he just watched Josh so I didn't brain him on my back swing.

I put the bowling shoes on Josh and stood him up. He froze. He whined, he looked scared but he would not move. I am not sure what he had against those shoes but I had to pick him up and carry him to the ramp with the ball so he could push it.

At first he didn't get it but as soon as he saw my reaction to his first spare (yes, I said first. He got 3 or 4 of them) he was hooked. He jumped and squealed and clapped his hands. He even forgot about the stupid shoes. It was so fun. Of course now that he understood a bit better he was also disappointed when he missed the pins. When he missed he would blow out a big breath of air and walk away swinging one arm. It almost looked like he was doing that "darn" move where you snap and swing your arm inward. It was adorable.

I did pretty well myself, in fact, better than I have done in years. In the end, Josh got 88 points and I had 98. Tyler had a great time just watching. It was one of the best times I have had with my family in a long time. Next time though, I will get Tyler to play so I can (hopefully) beat him. I will have to get better than a 98 but who knows? It is possible. In the mean time, I plan on playing a lot more just because of how much fun it was.

Josh's Birthday!

We had so much fun at Josh's party this year. The theme was like a carnival type theme but add water. We had two kiddie pools set up, one of which had a little whale water slide with water coming out of the whale's blow hole. We also had a slip 'n slide which was a huge hit with the older kids.

After playing in the water, we had snow cones, hot dogs and chips. Tracy lent us a hot dog machine so lunch was easy on me (thanks Tracy!). All the kids ended up having about 3 snow cones each. (Thanks Janet for letting us borrow the awesome snow cone machine!)

After eating and playing in the water a bit more, we did games. Every child was given tickets to use just like a real carnival. We had two carnival favorites, the fishing game and plinko. You should have seen cute little Wyatt with Plinko. He would find the prize he wanted and say, "Come on 6! Get a 6!" (or whatever number it was he wanted). The kids loved plinko. (Thanks again Tracy!)

It was a great birthday. Good friends, fun games, water and prizes, who could ask for more?

How many nurses does it take to draw Josh's blood?

Four, and me. It is interesting because we have had to draw his blood at least once a year since he was born and almost every time the answer is his age plus one. If this trend continues I don't want to be a part of it after he turns 6.

Today has been insane. It was Josh's first day of school. He gets on the bus around 7:40 in the morning *blah*. Then I have to get to school soon after *blah some more*. Then I rushed from my school to his school to take him to a doctor appointment in SLC.

Can I just say I love Josh's pediatrician? He is fabulous. He gushes about how much he loves Josh. His last appointment of the day (at this clinic) is supposed to be 11:00 but he let us come in at 12:00 so I wouldn't miss school. He stayed with us for more than an hour without even looking at the clock. He was genuinely concerned about Josh and the best way to care for him. He finds us ways to get free services and even (hooray!) free diapers since Josh refuses to be potty trained. He orchestrates all of Josh's extra care so smoothly and seamlessly. I can count on him to get me into hard to see doctors. He suggests seeing specialists I didn't even know existed to best help Josh. Love.

So we have a wonderful talk and check up. Josh even enjoys himself until they pull out the needles. You can get kindergarten shots between 4-6 years old so I decided to get some of them done now and some done later and get it over with before kindergarten. Josh also needed some blood drawn for some tests (to see if there is a medical reason why the kid can't put on weight).

At first they only had 2 nurses come in. After Josh drew blood from one of them instead of the other way around (I am not kidding), they called for more back up. You should have seen it. So many nurses and one small skinny flailing child fighting for control.

We finally got everything done and I promised Josh we would get him some sort of kid's meal with a toy to make things better. First one we came to was Burger King. Go in and order, get food, start eating, find out Josh's toy is some stupid Moxie Girls thing. I take it to the front and hold it up. I asked the guy if he has a boy toy. Somehow, this guy doesn't realize I am talking about a kid's meal toy. Seriously. He starts talking and I realize he either thinks I am asking if he is gay or he thinks I am coming on to him...or both....which is weirder....

Long day. Strangely good day. I have a headache. I am SO ready to sleep. Gotta go make dinner though.

Trophy Night

Today was trophy night for Freedom Riders. Josh was in the last group of kids. We watched about 15 other kids get on horses and ride, show off what they can do, and then get a trophy. We weren't allowed to clap because one of the horses is afraid of clapping. Then they had to nix the microphone because another horse wasn't liking the way it sounded. It was a little hard to keep your attention on what was going on because of the kids running around and the lack of being able to hear what was going on but even with all of that it was pretty fun.

Josh couldn't wait to get back in the saddle. When his time came he went without even a whine or a whimper when he left my side. He had a great ride. He loved every minute of it. He played with the volunteers and waved at the audience. But the best part of all was when they gave him his trophy. It didn't matter that he had seen every other child get a trophy, it didn't matter that since he has only been there a year his trophy was smaller than some of the other kids'. They handed him a golden trophy with a horse on top and a look of surprise and joy filled his face. He squealed with joy and hugged it to his little chest. Then with a shout of victory he took the trophy in one hand and raised it as high above his head as he could. He pumped his trophy up and down a few times. The grin on his face was so big I don't know how it fit on his little head. I could almost hear him say, "I won! I won!" He was certainly a champion today.

All of the volunteers were tickled with his reaction. I was told things like, "You need to find a way to keep him from getting him any cuter. Every time I see it I don't think it could be possible but he continues to get cuter." They gushed. I was so proud.

My mother once said that when she was first starting out she knew some mothers who sang their childrens' praises all the time, bragging incessantly. She also said that a few years later she realized she did the exact same thing. This is me knowing I am doing that same thing. I still think he is pretty awesome though.

The Zoo!

So this is totally late but that's okay. We had such a good time at the zoo this summer. The boys came with us and we have about a million pictures of the event because some crazy person handed my husband the camera. Okay not a million but about 115 but that was only a 3 hour zoo trip so pretty much every minute is covered. The bats were one of my favorite animals.

They were so darn cute cuddled together.

Of course, tigers were a big hit too. The mom had 3 babies but the babies were so big you couldn't tell who has who.

The carousel was a huge hit. The other boys sat on the inside so I don't have any good pictures of them actually on it but I am sure you can imagine them trying to conceal their delight but not quite covering it. You remember how it was when you started to get older and didn't want to admit how much you liked the carousel. Josh on the other hand, couldn't possibly conceal his happiness. He couldn't articulate his excitement but every time he saw everyone watching him he would snort and pinch his nose and laugh. He pointed and slapped his leg, squealing with delight. He pointed to his lion steed, stroking his mane. The lights, animals, movement, all of it delighted him to no end.

Well, I want to post pictures of the train and other animals the boys liked but for some reason it won't let me so maybe another time.

Summer has been awesome.

This has been one of the most fun summers I have had in a long time. Tyler and I went to Vegas, me and my family went to the cabin. We have gone to tons of fireworks, swam countless times, went to BBQs, and saw a few good movies. We went to Willards Bay, the zoo, and parades. We (all the nephews and Kysa) had a magic show put on for us by my good friend Tyson. We have been taking Josh to Freedom Riders once a week. We have been to the rodeo. We have seen family including Carrie, Sabre, Bekkie, Joey, Trevor and Gavin. Anything and everything I have seen that is free I have dragged Josh along to not sure how he would like it. My weeks are full and we are still planning to go to the Weber County Fair and probably the zoo a few more times not to mention that Josh's birthday is coming up.

I don't want it to end yet. I can't seem to make up my mind with classes. School feels like it is looming over me and I am just not ready yet. Summer, please stay a while longer.

One of those days I am not so tough.

Today was one of those days I was not so tough. These days seem to be Sundays more and more. Josh will not go to Primary without me. I have forced him to take baby steps. He isn't allowed on my lap and I try to have a chair in between us at least for some of the time.

The poor teacher was supposed to be released 3 months ago and she has not had a second teacher to help her since at least April. She takes care of the other kids while I wrangle Josh. I wish I could say, I will sit next to him but I am going to ignore him in the hopes that you guys will take over and get him to understand that you are here for him, not me. Yeah, not going to happen.

Josh will go with other people that he knows. Chantelle has been with him and Melissa has come before too. Josh is just fine. He just won't go without someone he trusts. I understand. He seems to know that without us he is a fish out of water. No one understands what he wants or what he is doing. I think that they could understand if they took the time to really know him. Not that it is their fault because it isn't.

Anyway, Josh wiggled through Primary. He did sing which is good, he normally doesn't. But his singing got stares from all 3 of the substitute teachers as well as most of the kids. *Sigh* I know the Primary Presidency keeps telling me no one is judging me but it can be a hard feeling to shake.

Josh normally goes to class without me. The smaller room with fewer children makes it easier for him to concentrate. The teacher works more with the class as well (if the kids are wiggly she can tweek her lesson so they can move around, etc). But not today. He stood on one side of the classroom door, screaming his lungs out while he shook the doorknob. I stood on the other side of the door crying. Parents in the hall would stop and say things like, "Is it his first time going alone?" or, "It wouldn't hurt if you just went in and let him sit on your lap." I wanted to scream, "BUT I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 7 MONTHS!!" We aren't visitors. I can't have him take a step back because we have barely taken a step forward.

So I cried until the teacher gave up and opened the door. Then I found the Primary Presidency and told them I need them to find Josh a "helper". Someone who will take him to Primary and sometimes to class. Someone who understands what he wants and has the time to be patient, time to take him to time out when he gets too disruptive, without worrying about the rest of the kids.

They seemed to understand that I have done my best but when I am breaking down almost every week it is getting to be too much for me. They did say some things that made me feel frustrated and flustered but I was already crying so I imagine that even if I was speaking to myself I would be mildly hurt by the words. But they are going to do their best to get Josh a helper.

I don't know what is going to happen but something has to change. I have done all I can. Hopefully within the next month or two going to church will be fun again.

Cabins!!

I love our cabin. My sister once wrote an essay about them, she said that the air smelled like freedom. I always think of that as we make our way into the canyon. As we get closer the air changes. It isn't just the pine trees or the lake or the wild mint....it is freedom. Freedom from cares, phones, staring strangers. Freedom from make up, from feeling self conscious, from being ruled by the clock. This year was no different.

I am so happy to have my family. I can imagine some people going nuts at our cabin. There is only one bedroom, a largeish open family room/dining room/front room, two bathrooms and a loft. Getting away from each other is impossible. I love that there are no electronics to get in the way of us enjoying each other. In the last week I read 4 books, played countless games, went on some breath taking walks/hikes, caught one snake, and ate without worrying about calories.

I loved every moment and I am tempted to give everyone a play by play but since you would all stop reading here are the most important parts:

Best book read: Hunger Games. Seriously couldn't put it down or stop thinking about it. I am still thinking about it. Basic idea, 24 kids from ages 12-18 are put into a huge arena to fight to the death. Only one can live. Whole country forced to watch and treat it like a holiday. Characters you love and situations you can't get to leave your mind. Loved it, can't wait to read more from this author.

Most Ironic Photo:

This is the spot we like to call the "Litter bowl" or the Dump. One of my uncles has used it for his own personal dumping spot for ages (he is now 92 so it has been some time). We go to remind ourselves of what could happen and how beauty can be changed into sadness if we just dump our stuff anywhere. Sure enough the top layer was new this year and right on the edge of the bowl was a book: American Dreams.

Favorite moment: We were walking home from the dump when it started to rain. The sun was shining brightly, the air was warm and the rain... I can't remember the last time I just experienced rain. Felt it hit my skin and roll down. Allowed myself to fully live the rain without worrying about my make up or hair or Josh (he doesn't like to play in rain yet but he was @ the cabin with my mom). As I smelled and felt and tasted the rain, I watched as Paxton went bounding through the grass toward the cabin. The grass was as high as his hips, the sun glinted off the rain so he was just a shadow, rain so thick you could barely make out scenery behind him. Suddenly he was going down, his feet flew over him and then he was gone, all that was left was grass, rain and his laughter.

Best Game: I taught Trevor, Christina and Paxton how to play ERS. SO MUCH FUN!

I hope they will keep playing and love this game as much as I do.

I don't know what category this would go under but it was so cute I have tell you. I went into the bedroom for my book when I heard something. Someone was singing in the shower. I could hear Paxton's voice above the water,

"I love the mountains

I love the rolling hills
I love the flowers
I love the daffodils
I love the fireside
When all the lights are low
Boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee-a-da, boom-dee a da..."

I couldn't agree more Paxton.

Freedom Riders!

Freedom Riders is a program for children with disabilities to ride horses. I have been trying to get Josh a place in it for a year. The problem is that once a kid is in he is in until he either turns 18, moves away or passes away. Most of the kids right now are between 7 and 13. So I was going to have to wait at least a few years. Chantelle, Jeremy and Christina all volunteer for them.

If you know Chantelle, you know she has the knack for knowing just the right time for everything. If I am having a bad day (even when no one knows) Chantelle calls. If I am trying solve a transportation problem, Chantelle shows up. And now she came through again.

Patty (woman in charge) says that she had just decided to give up on this boy who was supposed to be coming. He had not shown up all summer and none of her calls had been returned. Patty had just decided that she would replace him next year when Chantelle asked yet again about Josh joining. So Josh got in.

So how do I get there you might ask? I don't have a car. No, but Chantelle comes through again. She and Jeremy go separately. She brings me and Josh and then allows us to drive her car home. She is pretty much the best. I love her.

So today was Josh's first day. I was nervous. He had to get on a huge animal without me. He was not sure about it at first. They had to pry his arms from around Chantelle to get him on the saddle. He cried at first but as soon as they began walking he smiled. He was so proud of himself. He held the reigns, he waved, he threw the bean bags when told. Half an hour has never passed so fast.

I have a million things to say about Freedom Riders so I am sure I will write more another time. This is going to be such a good thing for Josh's independence. Thanks Chantelle.

My son the story teller

Josh is pretty good at miming. You have to be when you can't talk. I did not realize just how good he was until this week. We went to watch the fireworks. We waited for 2 hours for them to start. By that time my son just knew we were at a park with his cousin and that was enough for him.

When the fireworks started he was so excited. He was yelling and cheering. You know the cheesy "Oooo"s and "Ahhhh"s? It can be pretty cute when it is real. He began turning around, hitting my leg (and anyone else in reach) and pointing in awe at the lit up sky. You could almost hear him say, "Are you seeing this?" It was like he thought we just happened to be sitting in a park in the dark and suddenly out of nowhere the sky started to explode and he wants to make sure we are all aware of the phenomenon happening before us.

Halfway through he couldn't help himself. He stood and turned to me. Starting with his hand near his waist he made the "shhhh!" rocket sound and brought his hand to the sky then down in front of him. Holding both arms open wide he looked at me quietly for a beat or two then he clapped his hands together and pulled his hands apart again.

It was amazing. Without saying a word he was telling me about what was happening so well there was no wondering. Anyone would know what he was saying. And the look on his face would tell you just how he felt about it. Elated. So excited he knew he couldn't hold it in any longer, he needed to tell someone about the miracle he was witnessing.

I had to remind him that the fireworks were still happening. "You can tell me about it later but first you need to watch it." I wanted to be selfish. I wanted him to tell me about it all night. I felt like I was witnessing a miracle too. Here is a child who can't say more than a handful of words most of which are two letter words, and he is telling a story. It reminds me of a movie we watched in my high school sign language class of two deaf people fighting. They use such passion in their motions that you can't mistake what they are saying. It was awesome.

You have been weighed...

Today Knight's Tale was on TV. I have loved this movie since the first time I watched it. I think I may have loved it even more this time though. I am sure everyone has had a time that they connected with a truth so deeply they knew they would never forget it, whether it was in a religious class, school class, a talk with your parents/friends or any other of the possible learning opportunities. I was recently in a women's religious meeting where they used Knight's Tale as a teaching tool.

We were all asked to bring our purses, whether they be a simple wallet we carry with us or a huge purse/diaper bag. During the mingling we were told to weigh and measure our purses and write the numbers down on a clip board. There was a lot of laughing and comparing.

The speaker opened with what she observed. We had checked our numbers with other numbers already written. We had commented half anxiously if our measurements were out of the "ordinary". We had complimented other's bags. Sometimes we berated or downplayed our own bags.

Then she told the outline of the movie A Knight's Tale. She commented on how we have people who tell us in many ways, "You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting." You know the people. You know that feeling. Maybe your bag is too big, too small, too light, too heavy. In whatever way, they say you are not enough.

We do this to each other, we do this to ourselves. Even as we become aware of this we will never fully escape it because it surrounds us. I see it in magazines, those perfect thighs that no human could possibly possess but I know I need to be beautiful. I see it in strangers faces when they disapprove of my son. I tell it to myself when I realize it has been almost a week and I haven't cooked a decent meal.

But in the movie, William does not believe this. He knows, deep in his heart, that he is enough. He makes mistakes, he doesn't always win, but he never doubts his ability to change his stars. He is not just some poor thatcher's son. He is someone more than that. He doesn't run when he is found out even when his friends plead with him to do so. He only replies, "I am a knight. I will not run." He never doubts that he is a knight. He knows it in his heart.

If you know the movie you will also know that he is saved by Prince Edward. Edward says that he has found that William is from noble decent.

We too come from noble decent. We can't forget it.

I know some people would disagree with the noble decent part. But I can't leave it out. I have heard stories of people who get a little religious with their blog and get crap for it. In reality though, who really reads this anyway? This is for me. And I need to remember it. I need to remember when I feel as though I am found "wanting" that I am a child of God.

So big!

So I have been sitting here writing and erasing what I have written over and over for 40 minutes. So I suppose here are the bare bones of what is going on in our lives. It is officially summer vacation. I love my little boy more each day even though he is so difficult at times. I have no idea how I am going to potty train him. But I am so glad that I have been blessed to be his mother. He is such a funny kid.

Rock Star

Josh's guitar was down to 3 strings, the outcome of rocking out a little too hard. He loves his guitar and plays with it at least once everyday. I don't think I can say that about any other toy (unless you count his "Little Sony" cassette player or certain books). His favorite thing to do is turn on the Sony and strum and sing while in front of a mirror.

So we needed to get it fixed. I let him carry it into the music store by himself. I wish you could have seen it. Here are all of these long haired tattooed hardcore music guys and Josh comes bouncing in (the way only Josh does) with his little red and white Elmo guitar.

The guys loved him. I think they may have seen a little of themselves in him. One guy said that Josh's guitar was the coolest one they had ever had dropped off to them. They marveled at how it was indeed a real guitar, not a ukulele. One guy tuned it up and started up a song. I have only heard Josh play it so I was surprised to hear how it could sing!

Josh had to walk around the store. He seemed truly amazed at all of the guitars, drums, microphones, etc. He had to be bribed to leave the store. He was upset and confused why he couldn't have his guitar back but we made it out.

Today we went back to pick it up. As soon we walked in Josh stared out in a dead run toward the back of the store where someone was playing an electric guitar in one of the rooms. Josh stopped right in the doorway and stared open mouthed at the man. I managed to grab an employee on the run. The guys were all so excited to give it back to him.

I managed to pull Josh away from the guitar player so I could pay up front but as soon as I handed over his guitar he bolted to the back again. I found him in the doorway, stoically strumming while the guy smiled and played.

Once again, bribing was necessary. He has been playing the guitar for me while I write this. He may not be an athlete, but he may be a musician. The coolest girls prefer musicians anyway.

Superman

Obviously this was a couple weeks ago because Josh doesn't have a broken arm but they are so cute I had to post them anyway. Josh has just decided he loves Superman. He runs around the house in his cape saying, "Fffffff!" (He's flying). He wants to watch Superman all the time now (he is watching one with Christopher Reeves in this picture). He is my little superhero.

On a side note...

You should have seen the nurse's face the other day. I was holding Josh's head still while he was getting a brain scan. As soon as they turned off their equipment a nurse walked in with an indescribable look on her face. "Has your son ever had any head trauma before?" Hee-hee-hee! I had completely forgotten to tell her! Okay okay, so I may be a little strange for thinking this is funny but if you think about it....it really is funny.

I guess this is growing up...

So, I have made some big plans to do something fun with my son everyday of Spring Break. I want to create memories and really be a mom before I have to go back to school and prepare for the final month of school.

So yesterday I took my sweet little boy to the park. We had a little picnic, played on the big toy, had an all around good time. Josh wanted to swing on the big boy swing. I hesitated because I worry but he is getting so big and I have been trying to let him be one. I don't want my son to feel frightened of the world. I don't want him to feel like he needs me for everything or that he needs to be a baby forever. So I let him.

He was having such a good time. He was doing so well. I was trying to keep him at a safe level...and than he fell. It was a scary, twisting fall and he hit the sand. I was able to calm him. He wanted to get on the little kid swings and soon he was laughing like his usual self.

I tried to get him to come with me to feed the ducks but he wouldn't walk. I picked him up and walked him to the ducks. He LOVED feeding the ducks. He was smiling and laughing while they clambered over each other. A Canadian Goose came up to him, he held out a piece of bread and before I could tell him that was a bad idea *CHOMP* the goose bit his little fingers. He totally freaked out.

I tried to get him to walk around the pond but he wouldn't. He wouldn't stop crying and whining and I figured he was just tired. Into the car. Getting out of the car he shrieked in pain as I was getting out of the car. I knew something was off then but when we got inside he started playing like normal.

I called my mom, I called his doctor. To the ER. 3 hours, 1 brain scan, 3 X rays, and a continuous screaming meltdown later we were going home. Nothing wrong. As soon as I got home I noticed his wrist was swollen. The only thing they didn't X ray. Mom said let him sleep and reevaluate in the morning.

This morning it was definitely swollen and he couldn't grasp anything tightly. Back to the ER. This time my lovely little sister and her husband came with. Thank goodness. They are the best distracters and the sweetest couple. I love them. 3 hours later, they told us he had a green stick brake. That is actually good news as far as breaks go.

So now he is sleeping with his little splint on. We'll get the cast next week. I guess this is growing up.

Spring Break and other wonders

Whoo-hoo! Spring break! I have slept in for 2 days now. This definitely makes me very happy to have Sharon. I get up and get Josh dressed and fed and get him on the bus but he gets up earlier and just hangs out in her room. I slept (not including the time to get him ready) 12 hours! That hasn't happened in years! I have not felt so rested in years! I love it.

I don't know what else we will do (other than sleep in) this spring break. Any ideas for cheap entertainment for Josh and I? I am thinking maybe Dinosaur park. It will be so much fun to do something different with him.

The next two weeks Tyson is back from Iraq. I am so excited! I adore that kid. Then, after he leaves, Mike is in town! Hooray! I love it when my friends are in town.

My Mechanics

My husband has been doing this motor build for like...it feels like forever but I suppose it has only been 9 months or so. Josh has just been getting into it recently. Whenever Tyler is working on it, Josh goes in there too. I wish you could really see his concentration and how seriously he takes it. He digs through the toolbox until he finds just the right tool, then he puts it in a hole and turns it around a few times. What a good helper.

Time to admit it, he's not my baby anymore

*sigh* Josh is not my little baby anymore. I know he hasn't been for quite some time now but now I can't even deny it to myself anymore.

Today he played on the big toy in the park by himself for the first time. He used to insist that I come with him or at least stay within arms reach. He would never go down a slide without me holding his hand or going down with him.

Today started out the same as usual. He needed me right there. I kept telling him how fun it would be to go down the slide and he kept shaking his head "no". Then out of the blue he decided to give it a shot. The slides that are open-topped and do not have a step right before them are the easiest for him to do but he eventually got down the tube slide with the stair right before the opening! Eventually, he didn't even need me to be at the bottom of the slide to go down.

I know this must sound so lame to those of you with children who have been doing this very thing since they were 18 months or whatever but to me this is big. We have been so connected and he has been so dependent on me for so long, it's a little heart breaking...and yet I am so happy that he is doing things other kids do.

Other signs that he is getting to be a "little boy" instead of my "baby":

He has just realized in the last couple weeks that just because I put him in bed at night does not mean he has to STAY in bed. After about 10 minutes I hear the pitter-patter of little feet. After explaining to him that he needs to stay in bed even if he isn't sleeping he normally only comes out if his music stops playing and he wants it back on.

He has started to scale EVERYTHING. He climbs his built in desk/shelves, the counter tops, he tries to get to the top of the refrigerator, everything . And yet, he is still so careful for a toddler. Once on top he doesn't jump off (he won't even jump off the stairs) or even get too close to the edge. This doesn't stop me from being totally freaked out by it.

Signs that other people think he is not a baby anymore:

I get a lot more looks when I am carrying him or when I put him in the seat of the cart when I am at the store. I guess most kids his age just follow their parents around and most parents have a smaller child by now to be carrying and putting in the seat.

Perhaps it is time to stop these and other such things...it is just easier for me to do them. I mean, he can climb into the car and into his car seat it just takes him 45-60 seconds when I can do it in 5 you know? His legs just get in the way a lot....and when it comes to the store and everywhere else he has the nasty habit of not staying with me...I don't know...this is such a normal problem it is kind of nice.

Mini Hitler 'stache?

Look Amber, I do dress him occasionally! No, he doesn't have a mini Hitler 'stache although it looks a bit like it. He tripped and tried to eat Stacey's metal screen door. Blood everywhere coming from nose, upper lip and mouth. The only thing that would make it better was the binky. I don't know how we will ever be fully free of it.

Great, and now he just fell and smacked his temple on a cabinet. Well, not "just now". I didn't write that before I ran to him. I just got finished making him feel better. And of course that started his nose going again even though that happened 8 hours ago.

He is the most off balance kid.

"Home, home on the range!"

Oh, my little cowboy. I have literally spent all day getting ready for my physics test tomorrow. Since I got up until right now. I did pause to take these adorable pictures though. My poor son felt terribly neglected today. He hates it when I do homework so I try to only do it when he is asleep. Today I am studying like a madwoman so that did not apply. It got so bad that he was laying across my lap (on my textbook) looking up into my face and holding my cheeks with his little hands while "talking" lovingly to me. At that point I could not resist and I took an hour break to feed us and play.

Hopefully spending all of this time studying will make a difference tomorrow.

Physics is freaky

So yesterday I learned something totally freaky in class. I am going to try to explain this but it might be unclear without seeing exactly what I am talking about but here goes.

Imagine a wheel. There are 3 ways this wheel can move. You could pick it up and walk it to a new location. You could pick it up and spin it without walking anywhere. Or you could roll it somewhere else.

When you pick it up and walk it, particles( on the top, directly in the middle, and directly at the bottom) all have the exact same velocity.

If you pick up the wheel and spin it, the particle on the top and the particle on the bottom have the same velocity just different directions.

If you roll the wheel: The particle in the middle will have velocity v. The particle on the top has to move with velocity 2v. This is because it has to move fast enough to get past the middle particle. If you really think about it and watch a wheel this part makes sense. But the last particle...the one on the bottom, that is where it starts to get weird. That bottom particle has a velocity of 0. That's right, ZERO!

Insane. It makes no sense at all unless you start thinking about the fact that if it had any velocity it would be spinning (like on ice) without getting anywhere. Does this make sense? It is crazy.

I hope this has made enough sense to blow your mind like it blew mine.

"Am I a pretty girl?" -SpongeBob

He is just so sweet. He is wearing a flower "headband" (it actually came on a See's candies box) and he has green paint on his face. I just love the way his hair is sticking straight up.

Things are well in my little life. Josh is adorable, school is ....well, its school. Actually I am doing very well in school. I had 4 tests last week. I got back 3 of them so far and the lowest grade is a 98%. Nothing to complain about there.

I would like to give a shout out to my sister. She is truly a remarkable girl. She took my son today so I could catch up on my school work. She is always thinking of others even when she is the one who could use the help. I hope when school is out for summer I can be more like her. Right now I do not feel like I have the time to do anything more than school and family. She inspires me to be a better, more caring person. I love you my sister!

"Guns don't kill people...I do." -UHF

My son has found a new obsession. Weapons. He used to like toy guns...to chew on. Now everything is a weapon. The strangest things become swords or (his favorite) guns! It kind of freaks me out. I know most little boys go through this stage and I don't have anything against guns it is just weird to see my innocent little boy pretending to shoot everything. Especially since he wants to pretend shoot people most. He started this after starting preschool so I think I will blame them.

Anyway, even in his freaky-ness he is cute. He scrunches his face up in the most adorable little grimace. I tried to get a picture of it but if I told him to point it at me he had to get up in my face and try to "shoot" the camera point blank. I spent 10 minutes trying to hold him back far enough to get a picture. The only way I found to kind of get a picture is if he was "shooting" himself in the mirror.

Now I get to play gun control. Trying to get him to understand that he doesn't shoot people and what not. Oh well, he's a boy.

Cute things my son does right now.

He really loves the moon. Every time he sees it he "ooo"s and shrieks until you look at it.

He is big into giving double thumbs ups. Last week I asked for a high five. He wound his arm back like it was going to be the biggest high five ever but at the last moment before our hands made contact he went into a double thumbs up and said, "GOW!"

He likes to walk around in a crouched position to make people laugh. If you haven't seen this...well it is sort of hard to explain because he crouches all with his legs and not really with his back. Normally this is also paired with "scary hands" and growling.

He loves to "clean". He washes dishes, and mops and dusts. He is such a good helper.

He has started to sign "help". This means he signs "please, more, candy, help, dog, cow, red, thirsty, milk" I think that is it. He will sign other things if you ask him to sign it and then show him how.

Being a mom is the best. I absolutely love everything about my little boy. I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Banana-fanna Bo Boshy!

Joshy's new trick. He learned how to open a banana. This has become his new favorite thing. He will push a chair to the counter, get up and get a banana open in less than 2 minutes flat. No joke. It is almost scary how fast he is.

Now we have banana peels all over the house. He used to eat them all. He would eat 3 a day. I would try to hide them from him but he will go just about anywhere for a banana including the top of the refrigerator.

The novelty of the banana started to wear off. He did not stop opening them though. Now he is just tired of eating them so along with the peels I am finding mushy brown banana pieces. It sure is a wonderful thing to step on barefoot.

But he is really darn cute. Really, really darn cute. I am pretty lucky to have him.

I am so glad this week is over.

The first 4 days of the week were more than rough. I did not like my classes. Even the one that I really should like I only mildly like. Going in the night and the morning is murdering what is left of my social life. The people I met were alright I suppose but not the sort of people that made me smile to think about them. Like last semester I LOVED all of the people I met in my classes. I had my regulars that I spoke to before each class and just thinking of seeing them made a tough day better. But not this time.

Today though, today was different. I was so happy it is Friday. I met a bunch of new people who I hope to have friendly relationships with. I started to feel like I was not so average. Is that bad? I hate to go to a class and feel average. I want to be top of the class in all aspects possible. Maybe that is bad, or big headed or something but it is true. No one reads this anyway so why not be completely honest?

Next semester I think I will take an acting class. I think I need to remember that I can't be happy just getting my classes done. I need that social aspect. I need that class that makes all the other ones worth it. I need those people that I can entertain with stories about the other classes. Yes.

Things will be better. I will make them better. Besides, learning about computers and statistics has been more interesting than I would have thought it would be. *sigh* I am so glad this week is over.

Winter!

Josh loves the snow!! He is such a good boy. He plays outside while I snow blow. The snow is too deep for him to walk in now but after the first snow he crawled around in it. Even then it was too hard for a wobbly guy to walk through. Mostly he tramps around my car rubbing his hands along my car and the snow bank. Normally he wears two pairs of gloves but I had taken off one pair so he could play with an icicle within 5 minutes (as you can see) his hands were frozen. We have even gone sledding! He got the fastest little sled I have ever seen for Christmas. He can't walk through the snow and he can't pull the sled so it is a big workout for me. Ah, winter. At least I am not sick of it yet.

Hooray!!

For months I have been telling myself and others that I have done everything that I could to get JT to talk but I cannot make him do it. Watching Christmas Carol a month ago, an old idea hit me a new way. Bob Cratchit says of Tiny Tim, "He said he hoped people would see him (at church) because it might be good for them to remember on Christmas Day who it was that made lame beggars walk and blind men see." I just started crying.

I do not know what God has planned for JT but I have not done everything before I focus on getting help from Him. I am not talking just having it in my prayers, that was already there. Since I was out of school I focused on doing what my religion preaches. I also told my Heavenly Father that I understood if he had other plans but I have worked so hard to get JT to talk and I know I can not make him do it. But I also know that He has worked many miracles everyday and He has worked many miracles with JT but I selfishly would like another. All I wanted for Christmas was to hear my son speak.

It didn't happen before Christmas but a few days after he pointed at a picture of Santa and said, "HO!" I asked him to say it again but instead of giving me a defeated look as usual, he looked right at me and said, "HHHO!" I couldn't believe it! Then I asked him the question I ask everyday. "Who am I?" Instead of signing mom he said, "Mmmmma!" I cried.

Happy 2010!!

Happy New Year!! I am excited about this year. I have a lot of school to do but I am psyched! Josh is doing well, I love my adorable husband. All and all I am feeling quite optimistic.